please do NOT perceive me
if ur reading this u failed. you are no longer allowed to read the rest of this.
this morning before i got off work, a customer came up to the front desk and told me that god loves me, then proceeded to ask if she could pray for me. i was kinda taken aback but i accepted and she asked what im struggling with so that she can pray about it. i said something like uhh idk maybe being hopeful or to stop feeling hopeless. she then bowed her head and asked jesus to give me hope i think. i honestly don't remember exactly what she said. it was a nice gesture though and ill take a free prayer for funsies. it also might've been the case that i felt too awkward to decline since i was working front desk and had no escape. i was kinda insecure at the thought of her seeing me looking vacant or like i needed the prayer and felt compelled to do something about it. earlier that shift, i had taken down a poster promoting my EP from last year. its been hanging there for around 7 months at this point and the qr code i printed on reciept paper had faded into a pale red. every time i see it i'd get reminded of my music goals that i've put on the back burner in order to keep up with life. it still feels like im a fraud, but in reality im an insecure perfectionist that is scared to be seen while simultaneously wanting the attention.
i think i go through an identity crisis every year. i know this is normal and is a part of growth, but i've always admired those who seemed to have a grasp on their sense of self. every time i thought i had it figured out, my values would change and a year later i'd feel disconnected to that version of myself. in most cases, this usually results in embarrassment and a need to rewrite my past. then when i think i've figured it out again i have to go back online and be like 'hey guys! look at me! i'm normal i swear!!' i have a weird obsession with trying to have people perceive me exactly the way in which i perceive myself. as if i have some sort of obligation to prove myself to others. this is futile though for very obvious reasons. it gets especially exaggerated in social media and the interpersonal game that it feels like. people post a perfectly curated version of their life which leads others to compare themselves and have unrealistic expectations of their personal lives. this is not a unique or profound thought by any means, but it's just frustrating when i naturally feed into it while still being aware of the problem. i'm also not saying this to seem better than anyone nor do i believe im woke asf for essentially overanalyzing every social interaction i've ever had. it just becomes apparent every time i personally fall into the trap of receiving unreasonable attention online.
the last time i rejoined instagram early last year, it felt like a huge jump back into a space where literally almost everyone i've ever known can see this online version of myself. this added another layer of the perception i felt the need to control. if it hasnt become apparent yet, the fear of being perceived defeats the whole purpose of self-expression and sharing my art. after being away for so long and instantly being hit with all this attention again, it quickly fed into mania that was building up in me. i still want to fully explore this period of mania in another blogpost, but i think some context for now could help me talk about these things.
i'm gonna try to sum up the experience very quickly and hopefully leave the silly exciting details for another time. basically leading up to april of last year, i was slowly slipping further into mania, which turned into a full psychotic break. i should mention i had started SSRI's but was still smoking weed heavily which did not give me a proper baseline. i should also note that i'm not against weed at all, but i think the potential side effects of long term use should be understood. i did not expect this episode to happen since i've been able to get stoned for numerous years without any inklings of it throwing me off course in this way. it mostly began with me seeing symbols or omens everywhere, which turned into me hearing the voice of god, to delusions of grandeur thinking i was a chosen one, and then full on paranoia. there was a point where i believed the whole q-anon side of the internet was after me and the urgent care nurses were going to euthanize me. i truly thought i had figured out the answers to the universe and finally felt a concrete purpose for my existence. this is just the tip of the iceberg, but the main point i wanted to touch on was me being on social media the whole time. it wasn't the source of my psychosis, though it did definitely play a big part part in it's development.
during this time, i was posting like crazy and reading into the smallest of interactions. i thought i had escaped the matrix and had to slowly get everyone on my side. it felt like all my friends and family were subtweeting me and i had to parse through the good ones and the bad ones. i thought celebrities and artists i like actually knew me all along were sending me subliminal messages of their support. id find patterns and reoccuring numbers in the following or like counts of mine and others. imagine being manic and then put in front of everyone you ever knew again and also receiving the sudden wave of validation after being a self-loathing recluse. these people have known me as a version of myself that no longer aligned with my current perception and i felt the need to reframe theirs. it finally made me feel okay about expressing myself again and gave me a sense of purpose for a awhile. soon, the self-confidence would dwindle as i unknowingly fell back into that pattern of doing it simply for the validation instead of sharing my art. there were times where i would look at my pages and imagine myself through the lenses of every single viewer and try to imagine what they'd think of me. this is obviously a toxic relationship to have with social media, but i feel like we all do this to a certain extent in our day to day interactions to make sure we don't look/act funny. though when i suddenly have to consider the thousands of eyes that might be watching, it led to some scary thought patterns.
all that being said, i don't think social media is inherently bad. it's an amazing space to find community, express yourself, and keep in contact with loved ones. even before my manic episode, i've always had bouts where i post a lot and then drop off the face of the earth. this isn't a huge deal, but a problem arises when trying to establish myself as an artist. especially in this digital age, social media has been the driving force for the growth of most contemporary artists and seems impossible to avoid. this topic has been covered prolly millions of times already so i don't want to ramble too much, rather just give my personal experience for those who might be going through similar things.
consistency is vital to any amount of growth online, and i tend to be veryyy inconsistent. this could probably be due to my absolutely horrendous perfectionism at times. i'll probably also write more specifcally about perfectionism later, but these days it seems like nothing but a curse. like just a way to excuse myself from even trying and i freeze at the thought of putting forward the best version of myself. at the peak of my online precsence, i was getting millions of views and positive comments to a point where it did nothing but boost my ego as a 17 year old. i think it also created such a unrealistically high standard for myself. looking back, that dude was a baby and was finally noticed for something. i dont even want the same type of attention i was receiving then! over the years, my tastes have changed and i feel like i've been able to strengthen the identity i currently hold. doing so means that it won't be received well by everybody and i have to accept that. i don't even like everybody so why would i want them to like me? the same people who loved my covers most likely don't care for my personal music or art. it all felt like empty validation and reinfocred the idea that in order to be fufilled in art i would need to pander or rely on the opinion of others. not even as a slight against them, more so the idea that attemping to refine myself leads to less agreement with others. if i made music soley to appeal to other people, then i would become a shell of myself and i think the purpose of art is antithetical to this.
this whole post is just one long excuse to stay out of the limelight for a bit longer. i feel like theres more to touch on about this topic but ive already said too much. i do miss being funny online though and being able to interact with people across the globe. when i do try and return, i want to focus on developing a healthier relationship to social media in general. that might mean only posting art and putting everything else on here. it does suck to be left out of the dialogue because i feel like its just as important to be challenged, but the peace of mind might make it worth it. overall i should be able to promote my art without the social pressure of maintaining this online persona. there is definitely a balance that can be achieved, it will just take a lot of effort on my end to figure out.
thank you for reading if you did read this. also thank you if u didn't read this but still clicked and scrolled through just for the funny memes— i'll take anything i can get.
p.s. heres an awesome pic i took at work this morning of me eating wings before also writing this on da clock.
-m
